No Instant Replays

Who knew that when a little Mommy gremlin dropped this book off at my doorstep awhile back, it would completely fill its purpose on this the 29th day of March? Can we say "TGFM - thank goodness for mamaraderie" (as borrowed from Paula Spencer's book, Momfidence!)?

Spencer writes, "There are no instant replays. You will do the wrong thing. You will say the wrong thing. You will do the right thing but get the wrong result. And there's no going back. (Although who's to say what was right or wrong until it all works out just fine? Or doesn't.)"

And then the kicker, "Parenthood keeps on moving forward. All you can do is dust yourself off and keep moving with it."

And I cried when I read it, because it's exactly what I needed to hear today. I can't put my finger on exactly what went wrong about today. Was it the boys late night/early morning? Was it the lack of pre-made plans for the day? Lack of structure? The pile of laundry on my couch? The mess of books scattered across the floor? The dirty dishes in the sink? The breakfast to be made? The lunch to be made? The endless cycle of household chores? The buckets of water getting dumped from the bathtub onto the bathroom floor? A combination, I suppose. For future reference, if you hear your boys laughing... and I mean really laughing... not giggling, but out and out belly laughing at what one or the other is doing? You probably shouldn't wait to check it out. You should probably stop folding laundry immediately and go observe just outside the bathroom door.

The end result left me sitting on the couch crying (you're gonna think that's all I do! maybe it is...) after I'd put the boys down for their afternoon nap. I really felt (at that exact moment and without trying to sound too extreme) the boys would have been better off with a different mother. I am not cut out for this job. What was I thinking, thinking I could do this? Mainly because my overall feeling is that getting that angry with the boys (even if it's only once a month or once every six months or once a year) is inexcusable, immature, and damaging. For me its yelling, nothing physical, but I still feel like its damage that can't be undone. Yes, I usually end up apologizing to them once it's all blown over, but past the first apology, when does it become meaningless? When does it become a cycle you've given in to/something you allow to happen with the good intention of making up for it with a hug, kiss, "I love you.", and apology tacked on at the end?

I've got some work to do. Because, people, there are NO instant replays, and I don't want my boys remembering me as the mother screaming at them with a vein popping out of her forehead.

*Gets back up and brushes the dust off.*